| I'm striving for a worthless cause again. I promised I wouldn't be like you once more, and i've failed to fulfill that.
It's been a while since i updated, forgive me. I thought leaving this behind, along with my past I long to forget, would help. But it's wrong. Facing things seem to be the only way, but i know within myself i don't have that strength, not again. Not now. I stare at myself & I realize, i'm just like you. I can't find what once made me happy. & what I thought i had, i've seemed i've lost. It's like a bad addiction i can't break. It's a shamee. Such a shame. I've become shambles of everything I refused to believe in. It's like i'm living an out-of-body experience, where i just watch myself from the outside. Observing what I do, what i've done, what i want, what i think, what i yearn for. I'm living on an unheard prayer to the one above. Everything's rocked my world to the core, & left me like a vulnerable victim, just like the ones from New Orleans who suffered their losses from Hurricane Katrina. I needed to come back to where everything started from. I figured this would be my best bet, + the only place i could drown out my sorrows. I feel like time has robbed me of all that I once owned as mine. I'm stuck between a crossing road of who I want to be, and who i am. The truth is binding me from all I wantt. I see the reality everyone holds & shares with me, but i can't help but hold back from what I want. The 2 roads seperating me from my destination & the value I may carry. I find it almost amusing that life + the world can continue to go on , even when i can't seem to do the same. I can't even remember the best interests at heart that i once had for myself. I constantly hide myself behind everything fake. I'm becoming exactly what I didn't want for my life. I'm looking at the damage I've done + created, only to be left with the remains. It's such a shame that I can hold back watching the tragedy i've created, and see you become and grow into everything you've fighted for. I desperately try to be everything you want and need. Crawling on broken shards, holding back the screams, and fighting for what I think is right, just doesn't seem to impress you. You've affected my life in everyway possible, but i haven't seem to have made a dent in yours. You've changed me, you've made me who I am, but i recieve no gratitude or thanks for what i've done for you. You've forgetten I've made you half of what you are now. & now that you've become everything you strived for, you toss me aside like i'm nothing else but a broken heart that's left to fend for themself. Maybe i'm being cinical & horrid, but forgive me for making you everything i've ever desired. For once I'm seeing you in the light everyone claimed to recall from before. & I'm just a little too late. I'm starting to loose every single reason of 'why' from the very beginning. You're the only one who can slow my heart, and make it beat. & i'm fighting for time left to revive what's died. It's not about skill or chance, it's not about a miracle or an opportunity presenting itself at your heart, it's about fighting for what's rightfully yours. It's about hanging on, when everyone else tells you to let go. It's about still clinging to the small parts of what made you smile, & holding the words close to your memory. About forgetting everyone else in the world for a split moment, and remembering why you've chosen it, and holding onto the simplest but most desirable reasons for yourself. I'm trying to retrieve that path you once took, + loved, just so it feels like you're walking beside me through the storm of ignorance, and find my way home.
I'm trying to realize that what you loose, is really what you gain. But if what you gain, is soon to be your loss, how do you let go of that?
Forget The Urgency, But Hurry Up & Wait, My Heart Is Starting To Seperate.
I Wish I Could Try & Push Stop, Then Hit Rewind. |
